Gram,
today is the 9th day since you left....and it seems harder than the first. I miss everything about you. I would give anything for just one more day. One more minute. Youre in my heart forever and always. and i want you to know how amazing your great grandson is....as i sat here crying today he says to me "mommy whats wrong?"
"I miss my grammy linda"...
"I know mommy, but its ok. know why?"
"why bubby"
"because we're going to be up there with her someday and we will see her again." and he gives me the biggest hug his 5 year old arms can give.
that is your legacy...and we couldnt ask for any more. amazing.
xoxoxo
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
My Grammy
Yesterday morning, my grammy went home to God. There is no one like her and there will NEVER be anyone like her. She has been my everything for so long. I keep thinking about the time I didnt spend with her. The things I had yet to tell her, or show her. I feel like I can't function. My world is completely dark, as my one light was taken away. Its so hard to explain the emptiness I feel inside.
I am going to miss her laugh, her eyes, the way she could make any problem better. I will miss her way of explaining things, her stories, her jokes (bloody fingers gram?? really?? thats the story you tell little kids LOL), I will miss the food...meatloaf, my grosssss infatuation with packaged gravy (yes i refuse to eat any other gravy.), the chicken noodle soup, the pies, the cakes, the cookies, the stuffed peppers, the gwumpkies, the ham and cabbage...i could go on and on. Emeril, wolfgang, rachael ray...they had NOTHING on my grammy. I am going to miss the way your eyes would light up when my kids walked in to your house. I am going to miss you sneaking them cookies even when I said no.
It was so hard to walk into her house and not have her sitting in her chair in the livingroom. Its even harder to watch someone else sit in that chair. Its like I just want to wrap everything up and not let anyone touch it. I kept praying in the hospital that someone would wake her up.
I just don't understand. I know you always tell the person who is grieving that there is no understanding, it was just there time, everything happens for a reason, they lived a full life...yada yada yada.....BULLSHIT. I will never in my life say that to someone again. I will tell them that it sucks. I will tell them at that time, God will understand if youre angry with him. I will tell them that that persons life was to short. I will not feed them these ridiculous things to make them feel better. I am selfish. I WANT my grammy back. I know that God understands my frustration....my questioning his judgement. I dont think I'll go to hell for feeling angry that shes not in my life physically anymore. I know that my place will eventually be right beside her again...but until then...THIS BLOWS.
I keep asking myself how im going to go on without her in my life. The answer to that is nothing more than I will. This will not get any easier, it will only start to pass. There will never be a time that I think of my grammy and my heart won't physically hurt. She was amazing. Anyone who has had the amazing good fortune to meet her knows that. She has raised 5 kids, multiple step kids, helped to raise her 15 grandchildren and her 8 great grandchildren. She freaking rocked. ....... i cant finish this anymore....maybe later.
My Grammy, Me, My mom, and My daughter. <3 RIP grammy.
I am going to miss her laugh, her eyes, the way she could make any problem better. I will miss her way of explaining things, her stories, her jokes (bloody fingers gram?? really?? thats the story you tell little kids LOL), I will miss the food...meatloaf, my grosssss infatuation with packaged gravy (yes i refuse to eat any other gravy.), the chicken noodle soup, the pies, the cakes, the cookies, the stuffed peppers, the gwumpkies, the ham and cabbage...i could go on and on. Emeril, wolfgang, rachael ray...they had NOTHING on my grammy. I am going to miss the way your eyes would light up when my kids walked in to your house. I am going to miss you sneaking them cookies even when I said no.
It was so hard to walk into her house and not have her sitting in her chair in the livingroom. Its even harder to watch someone else sit in that chair. Its like I just want to wrap everything up and not let anyone touch it. I kept praying in the hospital that someone would wake her up.
I just don't understand. I know you always tell the person who is grieving that there is no understanding, it was just there time, everything happens for a reason, they lived a full life...yada yada yada.....BULLSHIT. I will never in my life say that to someone again. I will tell them that it sucks. I will tell them at that time, God will understand if youre angry with him. I will tell them that that persons life was to short. I will not feed them these ridiculous things to make them feel better. I am selfish. I WANT my grammy back. I know that God understands my frustration....my questioning his judgement. I dont think I'll go to hell for feeling angry that shes not in my life physically anymore. I know that my place will eventually be right beside her again...but until then...THIS BLOWS.
I keep asking myself how im going to go on without her in my life. The answer to that is nothing more than I will. This will not get any easier, it will only start to pass. There will never be a time that I think of my grammy and my heart won't physically hurt. She was amazing. Anyone who has had the amazing good fortune to meet her knows that. She has raised 5 kids, multiple step kids, helped to raise her 15 grandchildren and her 8 great grandchildren. She freaking rocked. ....... i cant finish this anymore....maybe later.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Reality!
:) So, I have officially lost 7 lbs! 3 more and im at my goal of 10lbs in a month. (although I did go slightly over my month). Im pretty damn proud of myself. Pushing myself to exercise 4 out of 7 days after years of no activity is pretty good I say.
Now, on to other things. Nina is having some problems at school and we have to get her some testing. This is the biggest stress on me right now. As a parent you never want to face the reality that there is something "wrong" with your child. I do not think a learning disability defines any child. However, I feel like a horrible mother for not trusting my gut instinct 2 years ago when I was telling others my worries. And it really breaks my heart that I have been pushing her and pushing her and getting upset when she's "not paying attention" when that is part of her issues. She has a hard time focusing and concentrating, often seeming like she isn't paying attention. My heart breaks for my baby. I only want what is best for her.
There are days when I feel like I have failed as a parent. That I have failed my child. I am the one person on this earth that is supposed to know when something is wrong. How did I let this get by me? Have I just been hoping that is was just her being "ditzy" or "blonde" or "air headed" as many people like her are deemed? I guess. I was perfectly happy having a slightly ditzy child who was always smiling, happy, and seemingly oblivious to the issues around her. Now I look back and realize that maybe she just couldnt focus on the things around her. UGH.
I know that whatever the outcome after the testing that she is STILL my little bean. The same little girl that she has been since day 1. I only want whats best for her and to make her the same happy girl she has always been. Seeing her struggle in school and become frustrated hurts me as her mom. I have a few things to discuss with her school this week, and hopefully a dr's appt can be set up soon. I will keep everyone updated.
Krystal
Now, on to other things. Nina is having some problems at school and we have to get her some testing. This is the biggest stress on me right now. As a parent you never want to face the reality that there is something "wrong" with your child. I do not think a learning disability defines any child. However, I feel like a horrible mother for not trusting my gut instinct 2 years ago when I was telling others my worries. And it really breaks my heart that I have been pushing her and pushing her and getting upset when she's "not paying attention" when that is part of her issues. She has a hard time focusing and concentrating, often seeming like she isn't paying attention. My heart breaks for my baby. I only want what is best for her.
There are days when I feel like I have failed as a parent. That I have failed my child. I am the one person on this earth that is supposed to know when something is wrong. How did I let this get by me? Have I just been hoping that is was just her being "ditzy" or "blonde" or "air headed" as many people like her are deemed? I guess. I was perfectly happy having a slightly ditzy child who was always smiling, happy, and seemingly oblivious to the issues around her. Now I look back and realize that maybe she just couldnt focus on the things around her. UGH.
I know that whatever the outcome after the testing that she is STILL my little bean. The same little girl that she has been since day 1. I only want whats best for her and to make her the same happy girl she has always been. Seeing her struggle in school and become frustrated hurts me as her mom. I have a few things to discuss with her school this week, and hopefully a dr's appt can be set up soon. I will keep everyone updated.
Krystal
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