My Grammy

Yesterday morning, my grammy went home to God. There is no one like her and there will NEVER be anyone like her. She has been my everything for so long. I keep thinking about the time I didnt spend with her. The things I had yet to tell her, or show her. I feel like I can't function. My world is completely dark, as my one light was taken away. Its so hard to explain the emptiness I feel inside.

I am going to miss her laugh, her eyes, the way she could make any problem better. I will miss her way of explaining things, her stories, her jokes (bloody fingers gram?? really?? thats the story you tell little kids LOL), I will miss the food...meatloaf, my grosssss infatuation with packaged gravy (yes i refuse to eat any other gravy.), the chicken noodle soup, the pies, the cakes, the cookies, the stuffed peppers, the gwumpkies, the ham and cabbage...i could go on and on. Emeril, wolfgang, rachael ray...they had NOTHING on my grammy. I am going to miss the way your eyes would light up when my kids walked in to your house. I am going to miss you sneaking them cookies even when I said no.

It was so hard to walk into her house and not have her sitting in her chair in the livingroom. Its even harder to watch someone else sit in that chair. Its like I just want to wrap everything up and not let anyone touch it. I kept praying in the hospital that someone would wake her up.

I just don't understand. I know you always tell the person who is grieving that there is no understanding, it was just there time, everything happens for a reason, they lived a full life...yada yada yada.....BULLSHIT. I will never in my life say that to someone again. I will tell them that it sucks. I will tell them at that time, God will understand if youre angry with him. I will tell them that that persons life was to short. I will not feed them these ridiculous things to make them feel better. I am selfish. I WANT my grammy back. I know that God understands my frustration....my questioning his judgement. I dont think I'll go to hell for feeling angry that shes not in my life physically anymore. I know that my place will eventually be right beside her again...but until then...THIS BLOWS.

I keep asking myself how im going to go on without her in my life. The answer to that is nothing more than I will. This will not get any easier, it will only start to pass. There will never be a time that I think of my grammy and my heart won't physically hurt. She was amazing. Anyone who has had the amazing good fortune to meet her knows that. She has raised 5 kids, multiple step kids, helped to raise her 15 grandchildren and her 8 great grandchildren. She freaking rocked. ....... i cant finish this anymore....maybe later.

My Grammy, Me, My mom, and My daughter. <3 RIP grammy.